She had a good idea — a matchmaking-style initiative that paired women entrepreneurs with other industry leaders, creating a networking web of ideas and inspiration. But it never quite got off the ground. For months, when friends asked how she was (really meaning ‘what are you up to’) she struggled with how to respond — trying on adjectives and job titles like dresses for a last minute work event. She tugged at the zippers, shrugged at her reflection, turned to view the dress from every angle only to find it didn’t ‘fit’ in any view.

Entrepreneur didn’t fit without a business. Wife alone didn’t suit her feminist foundation. “Was this” didn’t hold true anymore. And so she packed up the idea, and sent out her resume until something fit. When friends asked how she was (still meaning ‘what do you do’), she could finally once again respond with the comfort and confidence of a trusty black dress. 

I recently finished Glennon Doyle’s Untamed (I promise to start my book review/book shelf again and would still love to hear your suggestions). Like literally millions of other people around the world, I dog-eared, underlined, and starred my way from a-ha moment to a-ha moment. In my current state of funemployed, one passage really struck me: 

“Ask a woman who she is, and she’ll tell you who she loves, who she serves, and what she does. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a career woman. The fact that we define ourselves by our roles is what keeps the world spinning. It’s also what makes us untethered and afraid. If a woman defines herself as a wife, what happens if her partner leaves? If a woman defines herself as a mother, what happens when the kids leave for college? If a woman defines herself as a career woman, what happens when the company folds? Who we are is perpetually being taken from us, so we live in fear instead of peace. We cling too tightly, close our eyes to what we need to look at hard, avoid questions that need to be asked, and in a million ways insist to our friends, partners, and children that the purpose of their existence is to define us. We build sandcastles and then try to live inside them, fearing the inevitable tide. Answering the question “Who do I love?” is not enough. We must live lives of our own. To live a life of her own, each woman must also answer: What do I love? What makes me come alive? What is beauty to me, and when do I take the time to fill up with it? Who is the soul beneath all of these roles? Each woman must answer these questions now, before the tide comes. Sandcastles are beautiful, but we cannot live inside them. Because the tide rises. That’s what the tide does. We must remember: I am the builder, not the castle. I am separate and whole, over here, eyes on the horizon, sun on my shoulders, welcoming the tide. Building, rebuilding. Playfully. Lightly. Never changing. Always changing.”

I went from a competitive undergraduate degree in Ottawa where so many of us defined ourselves based on what happened in our mock newsrooms, to a professional master’s degree in NYC — a city where everyone is constantly working to leave their mark while simultaneously trying to find what their mark is to begin with.

I fought for internship positions that gave me a leg up (whatever ‘up’ meant) and positions that helped me get a visa while also carving a clear path to the next ‘success’. I moved back to Canada and worked for nearly three years in a field that absorbs every part of your time and identity. 

Now, without a title to try on, nothing seems to fit quite right when I try to respond to the ‘how are yous/what are you up tos?’. 

I want to be clear: I would not change a single part of my path.

I am someone who enjoys to work and I find it incredibly difficult to sit still. I love when my days are full and my plate doesn’t have room for another spoonful of activity. I am taking time to find my next position because I want it to be in a place where I feel like I am building bold ideas and moving the needle on issues I care about: sustainable living, mental wellness, women’s economic empowerment, girls’ confidence and access to education.

I do not want to punch in and punch out, or I will check out. That is not to say the traditional 9-5 doesn’t appeal to/work for so many people (hello Megs explaining just how much she loves the stability of her job so she can create and write and love her life outside of the professional hours) — I am just not one of those people. Not better or worse. Not more hard working or less. Not more ambitious or not. Simply different. But after years of no harmony — no time for the things I love and only defining myself by the title I held — I am working to answer Glennon’s questions. 

What do I love? What makes me come alive? What is beauty to me, and when do I take the time to fill up with it? Who is the soul beneath all of these roles?

I love holiday dinners with my family, the first snow of the season, trying to read a book with M (which always just ends in us talking), movie nights with my sister, being on a boat in the middle of a lake. I am alive when my brain is confused — when I read something new or hear someone explain something in a different way. I am alive when dancing around the kitchen making dinner. I am alive when hiking, eating an enormous brunch, or getting tucked in with hot cocoa on Sunday night. All of these things are beautiful to me, and I am working on carving out the time to fill myself and the people around me with this love. 

I love my roles: sister, daughter, friend, partner, teammate, cousin, niece, grandkid. As for the soul, I am still introducing myself to her, learning more about her every day. I know I am someone who cares, someone who believes in kindness and goodness. I am someone who finds it a lot easier to have someone I love explain my soul beneath — often getting uncomfy when asked to list or explain attributes. I get it wrong, I try again, I let people down, and I disappoint myself. I also try really hard.

As I move through this title-less time, I am working to find comfort in simply answering the question: “I am well. I was tired, but I am resetting. I am happy, confused, excited, and scared. I am.” 

We just did groceries yesterday, so I am off to make a breakfast bagel with arugula and turkey (if I call it a breakfast bagel, that makes a turkey sandwich breaky food, right?!)

Talk soon, 

L

Xo